These Seasons are you Friend

Wow. So much has happened this year. i was thinking today while at work and immensely bored, but exuberant by the fact that my evil passive aggressive boss isn't here, and i thought ot myself, "i wonder how i have done on that little bucket list i wrote back at the beginning of the year..." And so i revisited it.

1.) be involved with some sort of fashion---either do a real fashion photography shoot, be a model of some sort, or inspire someone else in their pursuit of fashion.
I did accomplish this i realizeed. i did a photoshoot with Rachel and Christina just a few weeks ago attempting to finally use my voice and direct the shoot and trying to put the focus on the posing being semi high-fashion... I.E. i used fashion and fashion posing to inspire a shoot i did. So it wasn't a REAL fashion shoot, but for me, it was just what i needed to do to realize i don't want to do fashino photography. i want to be completely drowning in the music industry and the photography of that world.

2.) Visit Ian and his fiancee Mariah in Texas.
Not yet, but maybe next year. money is tight :)

3.) Start saving money so i don't move out when i am fifty two... :P
ya...um...next... hahaha

4.) have an art show to display/sell my photography.
I did have an art show. and i sold 1 picture. and i bet if i was in another art show i would sell more.

5.) Quit Smoking.
Done! :) i have had a few drawbacks here and there but i am DONE with cigs. win.

6.) Learn (through my pursuit of fashion, art, photography, and helping others) that my worth is found in God and no one else.
I have learned this. also through my boyfriend, Paul, i have found that i am the beautiful creature God says i am. life is beautiful.

7.) Go to at least 10 concerts. and photograph them all.
i have been to WAY WAY WAY more than 10. WAY more. Since being at New Alliance (the studio Paul interns at), i have seen more shows than i can count. and photographed them all.

8.) Take 1 or 2 more photo classes.
Took a photoshop class... i didn't say i had to pass them too...hahahaha

9.) Make my own website and get actual business cards, so i can sell my stuff online.
my own website? no. my own business cards that kick ass??? YES.

10.) Get a job/internship with a photographer/studio.
Not yet, but i am getting HUGE connections at New Alliance!>

11.) Get another Tattoo representing what i have been through in the last year, and the hope God offers.
Not yet. This will have to be in the next couple of years :)

12.) Go on a road trip to Manhattan. Maybe with a few other chicks. :)
Again, not yet, but this needs to happen this year. if not, next year :)

13.) Work on a plan to get me back on track to go back to college--for fashion photography.
This has actually changed for me. i do have a plan. to get a job that doesn't suck my soul out slowly until i feel dead, to then make and save money, to go back to school (North Shore) to take a couple classes, and then eventually, possibly go to a photo school. if not, work on networking etc. at New Alliance, because i don't want to get into Fashion Photography anymore. i want to get into the Music Industry and photograph bands :)

realizing all of this has been HUGE for me. accomplishing most of my list has given me a huge confidence boost too! i am so thankful for everyone who is in my life right now, especially Paul, whom i love with all my heart. Rachel and Julie and Christina too--i don't know what i would do, or where iw ould be right now, without the three of you. :) love you guys!!!!

Indie Movie

My heart was racing, and my stomach churned all day. The guy i have been taking to for around 2.5 hours each night seince thursday is finally coming home from his vacation. It's monday, and i am picking him up from the airport. Were those conversations real? We opened up so much to each other...but he doesn't really mean what he says...does he? He seems much more genuine than any other guy i have ever met---yet still my stomach churns, and it feel slike i can't breathe. The chain smoking begins. Worry. Fear of being hurt yet ANOTHER time. Aftr roughly a year and a half of hurt, i was finally happy being single... adn then i met him. Paul. The most open, caring, communicative, adorable, sweet man i have ever encountered. He HAD to be too good to be true. Men like that don't exist... they always have alterior motives, at least, that has been my experience...

I was wrong.

As soon as he got off the plane, he walks straight towards me, and in front of everyone, drops his bag, throws his hat off to the side, and kisses me as passionately as anyone ever has. Someone even said behind us, "Whoa, he just threw his hat! Dude, we get it, she's yours..." hahahaha. It was beautiful. I felt like i was in an indie movie. After i picked him up, we went back to his apartment in Cambridge. He put on some music by Otis Redding and pulled me close and slow danced with me int he middle of his living room, holding me as tight as he could without squishing me hahaha. i stayed there until midnight. i never wanetd to leave. He said the most sweet things i have ever heard, and meant it. THAT is the difference--he meant it. and when he kissed me, it wasn't just a physucal kind of thing, it was as if he thought i was dying tomorrow and was getting the last kiss from me he would ever get. He was tender, and loving, and i couldn't help but think this is how tight Jesus must hold us. It was such an overwhelming love i was feeling. I have never felt that way about anyone. Ever.

Needless to say, i still feel like i need to pinch myself. as if this isn't really true. But it is. and i am exponentially happier than i have been in a long time. :)

Whole can of Crazy

So. i tried talking with Easton about things. THAT didn't go over well. he flipped the switch and went psycho. All i tried to do was ask him how we could communicate better, and it sounded to me liek he didn't even want to try, so when that discussion came up, i get brraged with text messages saying how fucking ridiculous i am, and how i am impossible to please, and they get worse. the last text i get from him was a twitter update clearly meant for me:

"I hope you get drunk, fuck mad dudes, and turn into a slut... GET AIDS TRICK!!!"

wow. i have never been at such a loss for words before. Some people have real problems. So i am kinda done with dating for a while. i am tired of dating the craziest fuckers who have ever lived.

Not standing up for it anymore

I am tired of getting anxiety about boys. BOYS. not Men. Easton used to treat me like gold, and now i feel like i am second hand shit he has to carry around with him. I am talking with him tonight when i get home. i am tired of letting guys treat me shitty, not pay attention to me, treat me like i don't have feelings, and that it's ok to ignore my phone calls or text messages. i am tired of being put on the back burner. Either Easton and I are ending tonight, or we are working it out... either way i am sticking up for myself, because i can't deal with the stress anymore. Here we go Danae. I can do it. I am just like this picture--happy, free, and taking control of my own life again. i am done letting others dictate how i am feeling. if you are not worth my time, you can get the hell out of my life, because i deserve SO much better than scumbags.

If this is giving up, then i'm giving up on love...

So i feel just like this song. Anna Nalick sings exactly what i am feeling right now. I just feel so hopeless, and like there is no hope for Easton and I... or at least us lasting. Fear....

ANNA NALICK LYRICS

"Wreck Of The Day"

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rear-view
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus
'Cause love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces

And if this is giving up then I'm giving up
If this is giving up then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

And maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
When all my resistance will never be distance enough

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

Lay with me, let's just breathe...

Working. Doctors visits. Not being able to see my boyfriend until the weekends. my brother being in Texas without any meds. Insecurities. Not being worth it. being stuck in this fucked up job for years more. not making enough money. someone being angry at me.

These are the things that give me anxiety. And lately, it has been ALL i can think about. it has been so bad that it is even affecting my relationship with Easton negatively. I just can't get past it. it is SO hard. i can't wait to get my hands on these meds. I knwo they will help at least a little.

I feel so stupid tho. i was never like this--worrying abotu everything on the face fo the earth so much i can't function and am terrified of working. Yes, terrified. One time, i was havign SUCH a rough time, i remember telling my dad through sobs " I can't do it" over and over and over and over again. I feel like i am quickly moving back to that point.

The thing is tho, all these things i am worrying about, aren't that big of a deal. i mean, my job i hate--but at leats i HAVE a job. i don't make enough money--but my tax return is coming soon. people being angry with me--it happens, and there is nothing i can do about it. doctor's visits and health--they are a necessary part of life and at least i have health incurance to go there and be healthy. Not being able to see Easton much--at least i get to see him and it's not like he lives 12970534897 hours away. My brother is in Texas and having a hard time with meds... and i miss him bunches--he will be ok. he is an adult now and can handle his own. i just shouldn't worry about that because it is illogical.

And as soon as i get my tax return, i am fixing my car, and saving the rest to begin to save so i can move out. it needs to happen.

My life is not bad. Not bad at all. It may have some hard things going on, but God never gives me more than i can handle. that is something that i am continually reminding myself.

I love you all. :)

HPV

ok. SO i just got a call from my Doctors office. My Gynocologist. i had a routine check up last week, and the results just came back. They said my cells were abnormal, and they had to do another check up on me to make sure everything is fine. The nurse explained that it could be caused by HPV....um.. what?! HPV?? Human papaloma Virus? which could mean Cancer??!? i SO hope not. not after the rape.. and after my dad getting cancer... and finally feeling like i am getting my life back and having a wonderful time with my boyfriend. Not cancer. Please pray.

A new month, a new mindset

So i am pretty excited for February. I have gotten a new doctor FINALLY (no more pediatrician! hahaha), where i will be getting an anxiety medicine to get this stupid thing under control. I am dating the most wonderful guy i have ever met who treats me like gold, communicates with me, cares about me, and it does help that i think he's drop dead gorgeous :). He makes me want to get my shit together... like work on my photography, start saving, and become an emotionally healthier person. I have never been happier!

February is also valentines day.... and i have never liked Valentine's day for one reason: i haev ALWAYS been single when it comes around. This year, i won't be. i don't care what happens, just as long as i get to spend time with him.

i really have high hopes for this year... i am truly hoping i can save, and get enough to get my car fixed (it has a handful of problems... and they need to get fixed cuz i DEFINITELY can't afford another car!), save enough to get new things like a new laptop/computer or some photo equipment, and hopefully (eventually, either this year or next) move out. Thank God for Tax Returns!!

Oh, and the art show i was in? HUGE bust. sold on 4x6 pic for $10. ok, i sold one. woo! but i spent roughly $60 on everything to get things printed, on matting, and on frames. i DEF didn't even break even. and i spent the last spendable bit of money i had on printing. i was PISSED. but lesson learned. Maybe i can make my own once the weather is nice. My grandmother said i should go to businesses locally and in Boston and see if i can put up my work on consignment. Add that to the bucket list. :)

That's about all for now. oh, and P.S.-- I CAN'T WAIT FOR SUMMER!!!! i just can't wait for the Beeeeeeach!! ugh, i can't wait. :)

Art Show

Hello everyone! So i will be participating in an art show this Saturday, January 31st. Everyone should come!!!!!

here is the link with more info:

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/event.php?eid=274409711514&index=1

Love

Yesterday i went to see my friend Janet. She lives at Gordon College, the college i failed out of, lol. It was kinad difficult to go back there...i still feel sort of like a failure seeing all these kids working through school, and the kids i went to school with graduating this year. But my visit was just to see Janet, and to pick up some of the pictures i took of her and her now ex-boyfriend, Austin. It was very good to see her. I haven't seen her in over a year.

So today, as i am at work, i am looking through the 500+ pics i now have of them, and can see how much i have grown as a photographer, and it makes me happy. Because these pictures are not bad i think, but i couuuuld have done better with training. So editing will be fun. :)

Also, as i looked through them, the love written all over their faces made me melt. And it made me think of Easton, the guy i am currently seeing. I haven't had the best of luck with guys...especially since the rape back on december of 2008. It has been a long difficult journey, sprinkled with panic attacks, therapy, and soul searching. I found out i have SO MANY friends who care about me, and what a real elationship is not. 2009 was FAR from easy, or fun, and i wouldn't wish what i went through on anyone, but i am glad i went through what i did--i have learned and grown so much--and in such a way that i don't think i would have learned these things without going through exactly what i wenty through.

But back to Easton lol. He treats me like i am a rare gem. he says the sweetest things to me everyday. treats me with respect, and truly cares about me. I sincerely hope things go well, and that this doesn't end in heartbreak, just as every other "relationship" i have had in the past has ended. I have never been in love.... but i feel like i am falling for him? and he for me? i use question marks because, like i said, i have never been in love. I am so afraid though.... i have been hurt before so many MANY times... i feel like no good guy exists. So far, though, Easton has proved me wrong. I hope and pray this goes well.

That's all for now...i have much hope for 2010 :) <3