If this is giving up, then i'm giving up on love...

So i feel just like this song. Anna Nalick sings exactly what i am feeling right now. I just feel so hopeless, and like there is no hope for Easton and I... or at least us lasting. Fear....

ANNA NALICK LYRICS

"Wreck Of The Day"

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rear-view
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus
'Cause love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces

And if this is giving up then I'm giving up
If this is giving up then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

And maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
When all my resistance will never be distance enough

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

Lay with me, let's just breathe...

Working. Doctors visits. Not being able to see my boyfriend until the weekends. my brother being in Texas without any meds. Insecurities. Not being worth it. being stuck in this fucked up job for years more. not making enough money. someone being angry at me.

These are the things that give me anxiety. And lately, it has been ALL i can think about. it has been so bad that it is even affecting my relationship with Easton negatively. I just can't get past it. it is SO hard. i can't wait to get my hands on these meds. I knwo they will help at least a little.

I feel so stupid tho. i was never like this--worrying abotu everything on the face fo the earth so much i can't function and am terrified of working. Yes, terrified. One time, i was havign SUCH a rough time, i remember telling my dad through sobs " I can't do it" over and over and over and over again. I feel like i am quickly moving back to that point.

The thing is tho, all these things i am worrying about, aren't that big of a deal. i mean, my job i hate--but at leats i HAVE a job. i don't make enough money--but my tax return is coming soon. people being angry with me--it happens, and there is nothing i can do about it. doctor's visits and health--they are a necessary part of life and at least i have health incurance to go there and be healthy. Not being able to see Easton much--at least i get to see him and it's not like he lives 12970534897 hours away. My brother is in Texas and having a hard time with meds... and i miss him bunches--he will be ok. he is an adult now and can handle his own. i just shouldn't worry about that because it is illogical.

And as soon as i get my tax return, i am fixing my car, and saving the rest to begin to save so i can move out. it needs to happen.

My life is not bad. Not bad at all. It may have some hard things going on, but God never gives me more than i can handle. that is something that i am continually reminding myself.

I love you all. :)

HPV

ok. SO i just got a call from my Doctors office. My Gynocologist. i had a routine check up last week, and the results just came back. They said my cells were abnormal, and they had to do another check up on me to make sure everything is fine. The nurse explained that it could be caused by HPV....um.. what?! HPV?? Human papaloma Virus? which could mean Cancer??!? i SO hope not. not after the rape.. and after my dad getting cancer... and finally feeling like i am getting my life back and having a wonderful time with my boyfriend. Not cancer. Please pray.

A new month, a new mindset

So i am pretty excited for February. I have gotten a new doctor FINALLY (no more pediatrician! hahaha), where i will be getting an anxiety medicine to get this stupid thing under control. I am dating the most wonderful guy i have ever met who treats me like gold, communicates with me, cares about me, and it does help that i think he's drop dead gorgeous :). He makes me want to get my shit together... like work on my photography, start saving, and become an emotionally healthier person. I have never been happier!

February is also valentines day.... and i have never liked Valentine's day for one reason: i haev ALWAYS been single when it comes around. This year, i won't be. i don't care what happens, just as long as i get to spend time with him.

i really have high hopes for this year... i am truly hoping i can save, and get enough to get my car fixed (it has a handful of problems... and they need to get fixed cuz i DEFINITELY can't afford another car!), save enough to get new things like a new laptop/computer or some photo equipment, and hopefully (eventually, either this year or next) move out. Thank God for Tax Returns!!

Oh, and the art show i was in? HUGE bust. sold on 4x6 pic for $10. ok, i sold one. woo! but i spent roughly $60 on everything to get things printed, on matting, and on frames. i DEF didn't even break even. and i spent the last spendable bit of money i had on printing. i was PISSED. but lesson learned. Maybe i can make my own once the weather is nice. My grandmother said i should go to businesses locally and in Boston and see if i can put up my work on consignment. Add that to the bucket list. :)

That's about all for now. oh, and P.S.-- I CAN'T WAIT FOR SUMMER!!!! i just can't wait for the Beeeeeeach!! ugh, i can't wait. :)