These Seasons are you Friend

Wow. So much has happened this year. i was thinking today while at work and immensely bored, but exuberant by the fact that my evil passive aggressive boss isn't here, and i thought ot myself, "i wonder how i have done on that little bucket list i wrote back at the beginning of the year..." And so i revisited it.

1.) be involved with some sort of fashion---either do a real fashion photography shoot, be a model of some sort, or inspire someone else in their pursuit of fashion.
I did accomplish this i realizeed. i did a photoshoot with Rachel and Christina just a few weeks ago attempting to finally use my voice and direct the shoot and trying to put the focus on the posing being semi high-fashion... I.E. i used fashion and fashion posing to inspire a shoot i did. So it wasn't a REAL fashion shoot, but for me, it was just what i needed to do to realize i don't want to do fashino photography. i want to be completely drowning in the music industry and the photography of that world.

2.) Visit Ian and his fiancee Mariah in Texas.
Not yet, but maybe next year. money is tight :)

3.) Start saving money so i don't move out when i am fifty two... :P
ya...um...next... hahaha

4.) have an art show to display/sell my photography.
I did have an art show. and i sold 1 picture. and i bet if i was in another art show i would sell more.

5.) Quit Smoking.
Done! :) i have had a few drawbacks here and there but i am DONE with cigs. win.

6.) Learn (through my pursuit of fashion, art, photography, and helping others) that my worth is found in God and no one else.
I have learned this. also through my boyfriend, Paul, i have found that i am the beautiful creature God says i am. life is beautiful.

7.) Go to at least 10 concerts. and photograph them all.
i have been to WAY WAY WAY more than 10. WAY more. Since being at New Alliance (the studio Paul interns at), i have seen more shows than i can count. and photographed them all.

8.) Take 1 or 2 more photo classes.
Took a photoshop class... i didn't say i had to pass them too...hahahaha

9.) Make my own website and get actual business cards, so i can sell my stuff online.
my own website? no. my own business cards that kick ass??? YES.

10.) Get a job/internship with a photographer/studio.
Not yet, but i am getting HUGE connections at New Alliance!>

11.) Get another Tattoo representing what i have been through in the last year, and the hope God offers.
Not yet. This will have to be in the next couple of years :)

12.) Go on a road trip to Manhattan. Maybe with a few other chicks. :)
Again, not yet, but this needs to happen this year. if not, next year :)

13.) Work on a plan to get me back on track to go back to college--for fashion photography.
This has actually changed for me. i do have a plan. to get a job that doesn't suck my soul out slowly until i feel dead, to then make and save money, to go back to school (North Shore) to take a couple classes, and then eventually, possibly go to a photo school. if not, work on networking etc. at New Alliance, because i don't want to get into Fashion Photography anymore. i want to get into the Music Industry and photograph bands :)

realizing all of this has been HUGE for me. accomplishing most of my list has given me a huge confidence boost too! i am so thankful for everyone who is in my life right now, especially Paul, whom i love with all my heart. Rachel and Julie and Christina too--i don't know what i would do, or where iw ould be right now, without the three of you. :) love you guys!!!!

Indie Movie

My heart was racing, and my stomach churned all day. The guy i have been taking to for around 2.5 hours each night seince thursday is finally coming home from his vacation. It's monday, and i am picking him up from the airport. Were those conversations real? We opened up so much to each other...but he doesn't really mean what he says...does he? He seems much more genuine than any other guy i have ever met---yet still my stomach churns, and it feel slike i can't breathe. The chain smoking begins. Worry. Fear of being hurt yet ANOTHER time. Aftr roughly a year and a half of hurt, i was finally happy being single... adn then i met him. Paul. The most open, caring, communicative, adorable, sweet man i have ever encountered. He HAD to be too good to be true. Men like that don't exist... they always have alterior motives, at least, that has been my experience...

I was wrong.

As soon as he got off the plane, he walks straight towards me, and in front of everyone, drops his bag, throws his hat off to the side, and kisses me as passionately as anyone ever has. Someone even said behind us, "Whoa, he just threw his hat! Dude, we get it, she's yours..." hahahaha. It was beautiful. I felt like i was in an indie movie. After i picked him up, we went back to his apartment in Cambridge. He put on some music by Otis Redding and pulled me close and slow danced with me int he middle of his living room, holding me as tight as he could without squishing me hahaha. i stayed there until midnight. i never wanetd to leave. He said the most sweet things i have ever heard, and meant it. THAT is the difference--he meant it. and when he kissed me, it wasn't just a physucal kind of thing, it was as if he thought i was dying tomorrow and was getting the last kiss from me he would ever get. He was tender, and loving, and i couldn't help but think this is how tight Jesus must hold us. It was such an overwhelming love i was feeling. I have never felt that way about anyone. Ever.

Needless to say, i still feel like i need to pinch myself. as if this isn't really true. But it is. and i am exponentially happier than i have been in a long time. :)

Whole can of Crazy

So. i tried talking with Easton about things. THAT didn't go over well. he flipped the switch and went psycho. All i tried to do was ask him how we could communicate better, and it sounded to me liek he didn't even want to try, so when that discussion came up, i get brraged with text messages saying how fucking ridiculous i am, and how i am impossible to please, and they get worse. the last text i get from him was a twitter update clearly meant for me:

"I hope you get drunk, fuck mad dudes, and turn into a slut... GET AIDS TRICK!!!"

wow. i have never been at such a loss for words before. Some people have real problems. So i am kinda done with dating for a while. i am tired of dating the craziest fuckers who have ever lived.

Not standing up for it anymore

I am tired of getting anxiety about boys. BOYS. not Men. Easton used to treat me like gold, and now i feel like i am second hand shit he has to carry around with him. I am talking with him tonight when i get home. i am tired of letting guys treat me shitty, not pay attention to me, treat me like i don't have feelings, and that it's ok to ignore my phone calls or text messages. i am tired of being put on the back burner. Either Easton and I are ending tonight, or we are working it out... either way i am sticking up for myself, because i can't deal with the stress anymore. Here we go Danae. I can do it. I am just like this picture--happy, free, and taking control of my own life again. i am done letting others dictate how i am feeling. if you are not worth my time, you can get the hell out of my life, because i deserve SO much better than scumbags.

If this is giving up, then i'm giving up on love...

So i feel just like this song. Anna Nalick sings exactly what i am feeling right now. I just feel so hopeless, and like there is no hope for Easton and I... or at least us lasting. Fear....

ANNA NALICK LYRICS

"Wreck Of The Day"

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rear-view
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus
'Cause love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces

And if this is giving up then I'm giving up
If this is giving up then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

And maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
When all my resistance will never be distance enough

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up
If this is giving up, then I'm giving up, giving up
On love, On love

Lay with me, let's just breathe...

Working. Doctors visits. Not being able to see my boyfriend until the weekends. my brother being in Texas without any meds. Insecurities. Not being worth it. being stuck in this fucked up job for years more. not making enough money. someone being angry at me.

These are the things that give me anxiety. And lately, it has been ALL i can think about. it has been so bad that it is even affecting my relationship with Easton negatively. I just can't get past it. it is SO hard. i can't wait to get my hands on these meds. I knwo they will help at least a little.

I feel so stupid tho. i was never like this--worrying abotu everything on the face fo the earth so much i can't function and am terrified of working. Yes, terrified. One time, i was havign SUCH a rough time, i remember telling my dad through sobs " I can't do it" over and over and over and over again. I feel like i am quickly moving back to that point.

The thing is tho, all these things i am worrying about, aren't that big of a deal. i mean, my job i hate--but at leats i HAVE a job. i don't make enough money--but my tax return is coming soon. people being angry with me--it happens, and there is nothing i can do about it. doctor's visits and health--they are a necessary part of life and at least i have health incurance to go there and be healthy. Not being able to see Easton much--at least i get to see him and it's not like he lives 12970534897 hours away. My brother is in Texas and having a hard time with meds... and i miss him bunches--he will be ok. he is an adult now and can handle his own. i just shouldn't worry about that because it is illogical.

And as soon as i get my tax return, i am fixing my car, and saving the rest to begin to save so i can move out. it needs to happen.

My life is not bad. Not bad at all. It may have some hard things going on, but God never gives me more than i can handle. that is something that i am continually reminding myself.

I love you all. :)

HPV

ok. SO i just got a call from my Doctors office. My Gynocologist. i had a routine check up last week, and the results just came back. They said my cells were abnormal, and they had to do another check up on me to make sure everything is fine. The nurse explained that it could be caused by HPV....um.. what?! HPV?? Human papaloma Virus? which could mean Cancer??!? i SO hope not. not after the rape.. and after my dad getting cancer... and finally feeling like i am getting my life back and having a wonderful time with my boyfriend. Not cancer. Please pray.

A new month, a new mindset

So i am pretty excited for February. I have gotten a new doctor FINALLY (no more pediatrician! hahaha), where i will be getting an anxiety medicine to get this stupid thing under control. I am dating the most wonderful guy i have ever met who treats me like gold, communicates with me, cares about me, and it does help that i think he's drop dead gorgeous :). He makes me want to get my shit together... like work on my photography, start saving, and become an emotionally healthier person. I have never been happier!

February is also valentines day.... and i have never liked Valentine's day for one reason: i haev ALWAYS been single when it comes around. This year, i won't be. i don't care what happens, just as long as i get to spend time with him.

i really have high hopes for this year... i am truly hoping i can save, and get enough to get my car fixed (it has a handful of problems... and they need to get fixed cuz i DEFINITELY can't afford another car!), save enough to get new things like a new laptop/computer or some photo equipment, and hopefully (eventually, either this year or next) move out. Thank God for Tax Returns!!

Oh, and the art show i was in? HUGE bust. sold on 4x6 pic for $10. ok, i sold one. woo! but i spent roughly $60 on everything to get things printed, on matting, and on frames. i DEF didn't even break even. and i spent the last spendable bit of money i had on printing. i was PISSED. but lesson learned. Maybe i can make my own once the weather is nice. My grandmother said i should go to businesses locally and in Boston and see if i can put up my work on consignment. Add that to the bucket list. :)

That's about all for now. oh, and P.S.-- I CAN'T WAIT FOR SUMMER!!!! i just can't wait for the Beeeeeeach!! ugh, i can't wait. :)

Art Show

Hello everyone! So i will be participating in an art show this Saturday, January 31st. Everyone should come!!!!!

here is the link with more info:

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/event.php?eid=274409711514&index=1

Love

Yesterday i went to see my friend Janet. She lives at Gordon College, the college i failed out of, lol. It was kinad difficult to go back there...i still feel sort of like a failure seeing all these kids working through school, and the kids i went to school with graduating this year. But my visit was just to see Janet, and to pick up some of the pictures i took of her and her now ex-boyfriend, Austin. It was very good to see her. I haven't seen her in over a year.

So today, as i am at work, i am looking through the 500+ pics i now have of them, and can see how much i have grown as a photographer, and it makes me happy. Because these pictures are not bad i think, but i couuuuld have done better with training. So editing will be fun. :)

Also, as i looked through them, the love written all over their faces made me melt. And it made me think of Easton, the guy i am currently seeing. I haven't had the best of luck with guys...especially since the rape back on december of 2008. It has been a long difficult journey, sprinkled with panic attacks, therapy, and soul searching. I found out i have SO MANY friends who care about me, and what a real elationship is not. 2009 was FAR from easy, or fun, and i wouldn't wish what i went through on anyone, but i am glad i went through what i did--i have learned and grown so much--and in such a way that i don't think i would have learned these things without going through exactly what i wenty through.

But back to Easton lol. He treats me like i am a rare gem. he says the sweetest things to me everyday. treats me with respect, and truly cares about me. I sincerely hope things go well, and that this doesn't end in heartbreak, just as every other "relationship" i have had in the past has ended. I have never been in love.... but i feel like i am falling for him? and he for me? i use question marks because, like i said, i have never been in love. I am so afraid though.... i have been hurt before so many MANY times... i feel like no good guy exists. So far, though, Easton has proved me wrong. I hope and pray this goes well.

That's all for now...i have much hope for 2010 :) <3

To be cherished...

So last year was bad. Terrible. Emotionally scarring and tragic. I would love to erase 2009 from the boards....but then again, i don't. Everything that happened to me from December 2008 until now has been difficult, but it has SERIOUSLY had me introspective and i saw a lot of myself that i would not have seen before. I feel like after all that happened, i am finally back to being myself again. But, not the SAME self--more like Danae 2.0. I can recognize now unhealthy ways of thinking, and try and stop anxiety or panic attacks from taking over. Before, when i would get ridiculously angry over everything, i used to think crying was weak. That was because of the way i grew up with my dad. But now, i have the appropriate emotional responses when i need to.... instead of getting angry and going on a rampage when i am upset at something, i cry. normal response. Bad situations, but they have helped mold me into a healthier person. Silver lining, :).

I have also realized what i want out of a relationship. I am tired of the guys who are full of themselves, and just want to stick it into whatever they can. I am tired of the guys who don't treat women like they are humans with feelings. I am tired of guys who won't grow a pair of balls and DATE a chick, but instead, do everything that two people in a couple do, but say we're not dating. FUCK that. I am SO worth more than that. I am waiting until that respectable guy who will LOVE me shows. i know he is out there. I know i am worth it. and i am not going to settle anymore.

As Christina always says, "Fists held high!"

<3

2:11

I photographed my first show if 2010 on Friday night, and it was EPIC. So many good bands, and i made a few very fruitful connections. I can't wait until i can do my next shoot--which is tonight! i am photographing Scotty Damgaard at Harper's Ferry at 9. Scotty said he would pay me AND put em on the guest list so i didn'ty have to pay for a ticket! I am so excited that things are finally coming together.

Mom also said i should write up a business plan. I am planning on doing that sometime this week. I have done it before for an old friend, so why not do it for myself? As for my mini plan now? Get a website, get business cards, and get a business e-mail address. Mom said that there is federal funding for women who want to start their own small business.... so i am definitely looking into that!! that would be so exciting!

But for now, i will stay at my dead end job, where i get paid very little, but have benefits, and keep the gigs as side jobs. Eventually, if i keep plugging away, i hopefully won't even need this job, but let's keep things realistic... and wait and see. :)

Vagabond

I am very excited for 2010. Very excited. if i can stick to this bucket list, then some very exciting things will be happening.

In february, Christina and Latoya are having a fashion show, and asked me to be one of their models. Win. there's one. :) I have a show to photograph on friday, so there is 1 show of the 10 i wanted to see and photograph. I have also registered for a photography class (how to use photoshop) in March. so that is one class of the two that i wanted to take this year down :). And the whole quitting smoking thing is a little rougher than i thought... not quite working... but i have all year ;)

"Cuz i'll tell you all about living free..." - Vagabond by Wolfmother. This song i have had on repeat for about 4 days now. that is how i feel, i feel like i am (through this blog and the things i am beginning to take charge of) starting to tell everyone about how living free. :) win!

The photo i have up top is a photo i took during the summer. I was driving with Christina, the windows were down, the sun was setting, it was perfectly warm, and i had a little Eli Wolf on my lap. It felt freeing--Summer, the love of a little doggie, pictures while she drove, cigarrettes, and friendship. ANNNND the days are getting longer!!! All these things put together make me feel like i am taking my life back, and moving past what happened to me last year. Watch out world, Danae is back. <3

Dancing in the rain

I saw the movie 500 Days of Summer a couple of Days ago. I LOVE movies like that one--i wouldn't necessarily call it Indie, because of all the big names in it, but it was definitely of an Indie movie flavor. Indie movies are just icnredible--they make you feel so much. They make yuo think, introspect, and allows you to indulge in the different types of relationships people encounter in life. Well, at least, that has been my experience with Indie comedies/romance movies. Here are three examples: Garden State, Happy Accidents, Henry Poole is Here, Juno, SLC Punk, and 500 Days of Summer.

These movies tend to really play a symphony with your emotions. One of the fantastic ways they do this is via the soundtrack. I would have to say that the Garden State soundtrack was probably the best soundtrack i had ever heard when i first saw it. Then Henry Poole is Here came along, and i was floored again. THEN 500 Days fo Summer came along and i died. The soundtrack is simply beautiful. I was describing one of the songs off the soundtrack to a friend and i said, "You have to listen to this song, it just maes me want to dance in the rain!!"

This song is Vagabond by Wolfmother. Some songs you hear, just wash over you and entertain you with their melody, others speak to you and leave you with a message, and other songs, like Vagabond, pierce right through to your soul and you have no way to escape, all you can do is let it work through you--and you are left with a message/feeling/perspective that you would have never ever gotten by looking at something or even hearing someone speak. I like to say that these songs "Make me want to die." That doesn't mean i don't like it, but the song is SO good, i just want to die with happiness. Also, these songs can make you feel very sad too, depending on the tone of the song... such as Passengar Seat by Death Cab for Cutie. Any song that makes someone feel SO DEEPLY i say makes me want to die. And that is no bad thing :). It is incredible that a song can make a person feel so strongly.

All that to say, i am simply awestruck by what music can do. Especially by my latest song that i have on repeat, Vagabond. If you haven't heard it, you NEED TO. You will want to die :).

<3

Therapy, Margaritas, and Mentors

So last night was a blast. i was having such a rough day (read previous post), and then i went out with my bestest friend in the whole world and one of the strongest women i know. I got to see the inner workings of Christina's thought processes, got to enjoy the company of my closest friends, and garnish it all with a margarita that was simply orgasmic :P.

God is good. Even though some of the things i have been through in my short life have been difficult, God never gives us more than we can handle. And when you feel like you can't do it, like you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, or like your chest might just cave in because of anxiety, you have to realize that it's during THESE times that God is carrying you. Like in the footprints poem. Because of this poem, i now want a tattoo portraying that, and have the last line, "It was then that i carried you" somewhere around the picture. It has given me so much comfort and Shalom. The picture above is an example of what i might get on my lower back once i have that kind of cash to simply blow. God is GOOD!

Where have all the good men gone?!

So. Men. I am beginning to think all the good ones are dead. Or gay. Or taken.

It is so difficult to put yourself out there to meet people. And once you do, you have no idea what this person is like, or what their past is, but you hope that they are a decent human being who will at least try and be kind, and not treat you badly. You'd hope that they would be open with you, and not treat you like a nagging little kid who won't leave you alone. You'd think they would have the decency to treat you like a human being, and not like a sex object. You'd think for all those guys who say they just want a normal girl that there would be "plenty of fish in the sea". But you see, those guys don't say what they want said normal girl for... and THAT is the problem i am running into. These guys who just want normal girls don't want relationships, and the guys who DO want relationships are so damn picky and rude that it makes me think i want to start dating chicks soon... no just kidding. But you see what i mean.

I am simply tired of putting myself out there and having guys just push me to the curb. I am so so SO tired of it. i have yet to meet a guy who just wants to get to know me and have a relationship... and when i do meet a nice guy, i hear things like i am still getting over my ex... and our relationship ended two years ago... seriously? why can't a guy recognize when he has something good in front of him?!? guys need to smarten the fuck up. cuz i am so done.

I feel like this picture above. So serene, so simple, so pretty, a picture you would want to know more about possibly... but all alone. Alone sitting in a HUGE open space, just staring at my own reflection, afraid to look up because i don't want to think of how alone i feel...

But i have to look at the bright side of things. i HAVE to. Because i am not alone. I have friends, many friends, who mean more to me than my family does sometimes. And i have God, and he carries us when we can't carry on on our own.

There is hope. There has to be.